We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stop there -- lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. -Mark Twain, author and humorist (1835-1910)
Ain't it great when your kid grabs your arms and wraps them around himself? Ahh... heart-swelling contentment. ...why?...
Previously, I made the analogy that looking into the "why" and "how" of a beautiful thing was like tearing apart a flower-you found out why and/or how it was, but destroyed the beauty, the experience of it. Man, I hate it when I take a stand on things... I so often have to eat my words... And so began the poking and prodding of my "why stick" into this beautiful flower....
Why did such a simple act leave me feeling so peacefully content, I began to wonder, spooned with my youngest, arms wrapped around his middle, his head nestled on the pillow of the arm against the bed... Was it because we had a relationship where he felt comfortable telling me what he needed? That he was comfortable telling me what he needed from *me*? Okay, sounds logical. What else... there's something else there... something deeper...
Is it trust? Trust so unthinking that he knows he can get what he needs? No hesitation. No wondering. No concept that I might refuse. I don't know... I've worked through so much in my brain to get to that trust, yet I'm not sure I'd know it if I saw it. Maybe I should *trust* that's what it is. :~D I damaged the trust between Wyl and I before we came to this lifestyle, and though I'm working on that with him, we're not at that point, yet. I got to start from scratch with Storm. Maybe Wyl and I won't ever get to that point, I don't know - I *do* know I haven't the experience with my older kid to go by to compare and see if that's what this deeper feeling is. I've never had that kind of trust before. With anyone - or if I did, it wasn't for long... or maybe it was imagined... or one-sided, which in its very nature would make it *not* like this kind of trust I'm thinking about. And so I keep examining the poked-apart flower... I can't seem to get deep enough into it to find out the "what/why/how" of it... maybe it's there and I just don't know how to see it... maybe I need a magnifying glass or a microscope... And I ponder on.
Something I didn't think about when I first made that analogy: plants just don't flower once. They continue to flower, whether on the same plant or offspring, and so poking apart one flower may destroy that one beauty, that one experience, but when the next flower comes along, the knowledge gained from the tearing apart the first flower helps make the wonder of the following flowers *more*... wondrous. More beautiful. More amazing in its glory. Love is like that. It never gets old, blase, old hat. It doesn't wear out. Maybe I can hope that trust is like that... maybe it can get lost and tarnished, but with love and elbow grease it can blossom again...
2 comments:
I believe you are wrong about Wyl trusting you. I see no signs of anxiety or distrust when he looks at you. Children are resilient creatures. Do not dwell on the past. There is enough worry in the future. :o)
I meant Wyl not trusting you. I really should go to bed! :p
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