Sharing the Imperfect Moments

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." ~ Albert Einstein

I guest blogged for Flo Gascon, today, and it was a tough post to write. It is about one of my worst parenting difficulties (and one that I was concerned about avoiding almost all my life). To think of it (even though it is in the past) makes me regretful, ashamed and horrified, as I told Flo, "...that I saw that train wreck coming and did not - could not - pull my children out of the way of it"; they were not kept from harm, though I hope that they did not suffer permanent damage.

It was both hard to write, because of the shame and horror (of it happening despite my fears and attempt to avoid), and yet it came out easily, because it was something I'd been keeping inside for a long time and I needed to let it go. Funny thing, writing... At least for me. It can be nearly as vivid in the retelling/reliving as the actual events/experience, bringing me emotionally to exactly the same place again. And yet, writing has always been therapeutic for me. There is something so natural about the flow of thoughts, emotions, images, sights, scents, sounds & sensations from my brain through my arm into my fingers and then onto paper or into keys and onto the screen. It is one of the few things I can't seem to describe fully - at least to my satisfaction - or convey to someone else. I don't know if it is a "writer" thing (you'd think I'd discuss that kind of thing with other writers! :~) ) or if my skills are just inadequate. But I digress...

As I also told Flo, I feel that the process, the mistakes, the flaws should be shared more with other parents. As hard as it was to write, and as hard as it is knowing that other people are learning of my worst parenting difficulty, I feel it is important to say, for the sake of others. When I first started looking into radical unschooling, I continually felt lacking and "not good enough", because all I read on the groups was perfect success stories of perfect mamas with unending patience, continual energy to fulfill all their children's needs & no lack of ideas for solutions and exciting plans and amazing games and the ability to boost their children's interests with innumerable "connections" (as in, this things leads to that thing, which leads to the next thing). Of course, I know better, now, but there was a time where I nearly gave up on radical unschooling/respectful, gentle parenting because I didn't feel like I was the right personality type, like I wasn't perfect enough to succeed. I believe that more experienced unschoolers and gentle parents need to step up and share their non-stellar moments & experiences and tell those who are just starting out, "You're going to screw up. I screwed up. You may screw up horribly, but if you keep at it and get back on track when you slip up, and keep doing better, you'll get there; and your kids will be better knowing that you're not perfect, either, that you make mistakes, too, and they'll love you more for trying to be a better parent.

That's not to say that "anything goes" and that I'm patting anyone on the back and saying, "Good job.", "You're doing the best you can.", or "Well, you tried." I am saying to keep in mind when you stumble that nobody's perfect, no matter what it seems like when you're reading about better parenting. Everyone has made mistakes, but the reason that there are folks with experience to give good advice and help others be better parents is because they didn't wallow when they slipped. They got up, dusted themselves off, and tried again - most likely, they tried harder. They looked up from the mistake to focus on the goal they were aiming for and went forward. :~)

That is one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place: because I didn't see enough of the mistakes (learning-takes) and errors and "failures" - in fact, I don't remember seeing any. Mistakes aren't optimal and they're not the focus, but knowing that those who have gone before you have fallen repeatedly and struggled to continue along the path of their journey to find success along the way makes it so much easier to pick ourselves up and find the determination to continue on when we stumble. 

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm...

It was very easy for Dave and I to see and adjust our thinking in regards to the "educational" aspect of Radical Unschooling (RU). However, the parenting aspect is so much more difficult for us. While many people (it seems, though I haven't taken a poll or done any studies) seem to come to RU from an Attachment Parenting mindset, Dave and I were raised quite the opposite, and from my very first imaginings of having a family, the only thing I was really going to do differently (from how I was raised)was that I wasn't going to spank/paddle/hit my children. Before Wyl was born, I planned on sometimes needing to punish my children, that I would be strict but fair, no kid was going to "walk all over me", homeschooling horrified me, and I hadn't a concept of "organic foods" and never thought there was a choice when it came to vaccinations. We were fairly mainstream. When I was pregnant with Wyl, I studied, I read, I researched and I learned so much. Although I never went "100% crunchy", I am certainly 180 degrees different from what I was before hand-and still learning and growing.

Though the concept of "learning from life" is kind of "out there" for mainstream folks and yet it was an easy grasp for us, I can still understand (to a degree) how parents can find that concept frightening and hard to grasp.

Maybe *because* I come from a "traditional", "mainstream" background, I have serious problems understanding how and when parents go from AP, crunchy parents who trust that their child knows his body enough to know when he's hungry (and thus not have a "feeding schedule"), know when he cries, he instinctively knows he needs something and crying will get the people who love him to come and help him (and thus do not let him "cry it out"), snuggle and love him and wouldn't DREAM of punishing/yelling at him for expressing himself leave that behind as their child gets older.

I'm so baffled by what seems a 180 degree turn from AP, that I don't know if it is a gradual kind of transition or if it is sudden. Does it have anything to do with school age? Where does the thinking come from that says, "Yes, you know when you're hungry, thirsty, need comfort, are cold, but at this point in time, your parents are now going to tell you what to eat, how much, when and you *will* follow what *we* know your body needs (even if your body is telling you differently-you don't know any better, NOW.), then you will be punished."? And, "You will wear a coat because *I* say your body will be cold in this weather without it."? And, "That's a fake cry. I refuse to respond because you are trying to manipulate me."? At what point does it become manipulation? Is it age? Is it maturity? When do parents decide these kinds of things?

Problem is (at least here), we can "see" and understand how much sense trusting one's child(ren) can make and how *respectful parenting* can, really, make a *world* of difference in not only the family relationship, but also in the development of that little *person* into a wonderful adult, but it is such a foreign-or maybe just such a *new* concept that it is difficult to implement. Especially with no examples to go by-just words on Unschooling boards and blogs-which seem more like vague general concepts of the idea rather than "instructions" or something closer to "having lived the experience".

Which makes that AP transition to punishment, distrust and more mainstream relationships all the more mind-boggling to me! How can you *be there* and leave it? Is it a society thing? I can't imagine that could be it-these are the people who defiantly have nurse-ins and tend to make a point of deliberate difference, thrilling in the lifestyle that is so obviously different... How does a mama who is derided for "spoiling her child" by friends and family for picking up the baby when he cries make that change to judging mamas who are working hard at learning to *listen* to a child's self-knowledge as "letting them walk all over" or "manipulating"? How do they go from having that newborn baby (who would *seem* to have no wisdom or knowledge-or *certainly* less than a toddler) "chose" when he is hungry, when he wants to be fed, when he needs cuddling, when he needs to sleep next to his parent(s), to the point where he now has most of his choices revoked? When their paths diverge from other AP-from-birth mamas who continue to trust their child, why is the still-trusting mama said to let their children run wild or letting their kids "walk all over them"?

Along *with* the bafflement over *when* this all takes place, I'm also hard-put to figure out how these choices are dolled out. Why is it okay for a 1 week old to nurse until they are finished/full, but a, say 3 year old, have to finish their carrots or drink at least half of their milk, or not get a cookie if they didn't eat whatever the parent deems "right" or "enough" of a meal? Why does a 1 month old "get" to sleep when he deems he is tired, no matter how much or how little actual time that is, but a, say 4 year old, must have a bedtime and it must be followed without fail? When did this child LOSE the ability to know when he is full? When he is tired/sleepy? I know Wyl has trouble with this because we didn't know about the respectful relationship that *could* be had, but he is learning. Storm KNOWS when he is hungry, what he is hungry *for* and when he is full and has no hesitations about letting us know. He also knows when he is tired, and 90-95% of the time, will take the steps/routine that we have worked out together by trial and error that help him get what he needs-sleep. He has had that trust, that respectful relationship-if not from the *very* beginning, from *very* early on. I can't see finding a time that he is "old enough" to "revoke" his ability to chose-and after all that I've learned, I truly believe I will take away his ability to listen to his body's needs if I try-actually, quite the opposite... I see that finding the peace in my heart to *accept* his ability to know himself and make the right choices for himself and his body will get easier as he gains knowledge and gets older. What I don't understand is this apparent *need* for mainstream-ish parents to find a point where they *remove* that knowledge and ability so that they can *train* the child in the way the *parent* thinks the child "needs" to know their body and themselves....

I know, this probably didn't make a whole lot of sense, but it doesn't make a lot of sense to *me*, so I have a hard time expressing it. Maybe some day I'll be old enough, wise enough, and have enough experience that it *will* finally make sense to me. I wonder if I'd understand it if *I'd* have been respectfully parented and trusted to know myself...?

Off to mull and ponder...